SMALL KINE HIPPIE

Gratitude has long-been an annoyance to me – some entitled, aloof, elitist nonchalance that’s suspiciously easier to achieve for those with a trust fund. It’s been offered to me many wrong times and in many wrong ways (“be grateful for what you do have!”) and. often, by those that don’t seem to swim in gratitude either.

As I’ve gotten older and gone through more challenges, something curious has happened. Not only do I now practice gratitude, but I love gratitude – and have an inception/dream-within-dream level of gratitude for gratitude itself.

Ironically, the very difficult things I’ve gone through over the last few years – miscarriage, loss, the terrible struggle of having a new, small business during COVID and 2 years of lockdown – have no made me softer. Kinder. More compassionate. And, surprisingly, more grateful.

Rumi’s quote about the light entering through the wound, or James 1:2-4 about trails producing faith and endurance used to seem insulting or insensitive. But after enduing my fair share of storms, they’ve bubbled up to the surface over and over. When I finally learned to sit in the eye of the storm – the calmest place – that calmness applied to everything else. Instead of being jostled by wave after wave of life doing its thing, I learned to float on the surface when I could and duck under the big waves when needed, and still enjoy the moment regardless of the forecast.

Our miscarriage gave me such a powerful, passionate appreciation for life and love, and gratitude for the healthy baby boy that’s grown into a fearsome toddler. Facing economic crisis through two years of COVID lockdowns has made other problems seem small and manageable, and taught me how to enjoy the rest of my life when work isn’t going the way I want it to. More than anything, it’s taught me that I am not in control – there is a higher power driving everything else, and I’m just another boat at sea. Might as well enjoy the sunset from the ship we’re grateful to have.

Even now, as I write, my foot is in a giant aircast after a full year of recurring ankle injury. I just got off crutches – again – which is not easy with an active toddler and a busy work life. I miss playing soccer, running, and being super active. But, I’m so thankful that I’m not facing surgery – just yet another round of PT – that I’m able to mentally coast through the discomfort. I’m using the time to write, catch up on my reading, practice yoga, and meditate, things my busy/active schedule don’t always allow. I’m surfing this wave, really – instead of letting it crash me onto the reef.